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December 2009 
Lost
Posted on Dec 17th, 2008
by 
Deisy
Deisy
I am so lost. It's not even funny anymore.
I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and how I was going to get it...then I discovered while facing the monster that I have no fucken clue.
Goddamit I feel like I'm in a teen-age crisis. I got accepted into Humboldt and for sure Sonoma but I don't know if I want to go to them. I didn't get into Wellesley which was obviously expected but I still have to apply to Smith and Mount Holyoke but I know I'm never going to get in. Plus I want to go to a school at least NEAR a big city, I would hate to be in the middle of nowhere like Humboldt.
It's hard to finally accept that you're not good enough and know that you're not exaggerating. It's so pathetic.
I just want someone or something to help me out. I have no clue what to do. I know what I want to major in but I KNOW that I won't be in college forever and once I need a job it's going to be a hassle to try to find one with these majors. I've talked to everyone already...even my counselor! she has no clue what to tell me. I feel like this is not temporary and that's why I'm freaking out. I've always hated life and the fact that I was born so I've never cared enough about anything and I still don't...I see myself like Polly from Along Came Polly in ten years and guess what? I don't see anything wrong with it.
Another reason to hate my parents. Now I'm stuck with my own life when I didn't even ask for it.
I don't know what to do..I don't know what I want anymore because I know what's good for me and what I want isn't.
sigh...
I'll be debating with myself about my future for the next few weeks.
Que quiero goddamn!?
I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and how I was going to get it...then I discovered while facing the monster that I have no fucken clue.
Goddamit I feel like I'm in a teen-age crisis. I got accepted into Humboldt and for sure Sonoma but I don't know if I want to go to them. I didn't get into Wellesley which was obviously expected but I still have to apply to Smith and Mount Holyoke but I know I'm never going to get in. Plus I want to go to a school at least NEAR a big city, I would hate to be in the middle of nowhere like Humboldt.
It's hard to finally accept that you're not good enough and know that you're not exaggerating. It's so pathetic.
I just want someone or something to help me out. I have no clue what to do. I know what I want to major in but I KNOW that I won't be in college forever and once I need a job it's going to be a hassle to try to find one with these majors. I've talked to everyone already...even my counselor! she has no clue what to tell me. I feel like this is not temporary and that's why I'm freaking out. I've always hated life and the fact that I was born so I've never cared enough about anything and I still don't...I see myself like Polly from Along Came Polly in ten years and guess what? I don't see anything wrong with it.
Another reason to hate my parents. Now I'm stuck with my own life when I didn't even ask for it.
I don't know what to do..I don't know what I want anymore because I know what's good for me and what I want isn't.
sigh...
I'll be debating with myself about my future for the next few weeks.
Que quiero goddamn!?
Access: Public
“Do not ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. The world needs more people who come alive.” - Howard Thurman.
Follow your heart. I’m a firm believer that, if what you do in life inspires you then that is half the battle; your joy and enthusiasm will be the wind in your sails and will make it a success one way or another, against all the odds. And success is not merely financial reward, but happiness. Society has a way of limiting us. Don’t let society dictate who you are and what you want to be. Inspiration is your Soul talking to you… and if you follow your Soul you really can’t go wrong.
Andy :o)
Whew! I am feeling the frustration through the screen. Here are some thoughts from my own experience, I hope they offer something. I thin you can take advantage of any college experience. The learning and opportunities are there if you create them. I went to an expensive college and I’m still paying for it, but if I were to do it now I’d spend the first couple years at community college or elsewhere. There are good teachers everywhere. I loved college and did well, but you can have an epiphany at any point in life, I realized I didn’t want to work in the same field I’d gotten my degree in. the jobs were there, but I realized more about me and what worked in my life. So, sometimes, even if we know what we want, we end up growing in different directions. Life changes and we never know what is permanent. Often enough, people with significant careers change course in the face of a mid-life crisis.
College really is what you make it. You can get a stellar education anywhere if you do the research on professors and take every opportunity to learn, internships, art, student organizations, study abroad, etc. Everything in college is an opportunity. Everything in life is an opportunity. And, you are alive and that itself is something. I used to hate life and wish I hadn’t been born, or didn’t exist. But I do, so I might as well seek to create something positive for the world and try to follow the paths to joy. If you don’t know exactly what you want, then you still have time to explore and at least try to put your focus and energy into the task at hand so you can learn how to do it and see if you like it, at least you can build your skills.
In any case, I wish you luck. Life is confusing, but it’s all we’ve got. And, your desire to accomplish and find yourself is admirable in and of itself.