Cosmogirl

So today I got my cosmogirl...

Yes I know what you're thinking, wth, cosmogirl?! well the thing is I subscribed to it a LONG time ago, like 3 years ago but I did the special 'pay 15 bucks have for like 5 years' thing and so I'm stuck with it until I leave for college.

I started disliking this magazine like a year and a half ago when it clearly only advertised things that tested on animals...

Then when it advertised a bunch of leather crap and I just stopped reading it and just recycled it ever since, but then my little sister Magaly started reading it so whatever.

So today I got it and I decided to read it. I read it and well it's worse than I remember, it's all about consumerism (duhhh I know, bare with my stupidity) and it just makes me feel bad for not being able to have anything that is advertised here, first of all I don't really want it because I don't NEED it, and sure it would feel nice if I knew I could buy those $300 shoes but, I wouldn't even if I had the money because I don't like showing off and why would you have them if you don't want other people to see them? It's basically to raise self-esteem I suppose.

Anyway, they showed different types of girls *I think it's a real liberal magazine though so that's good, pretty pro-choice and even mentioned planned parenthood in a good standing* and some of them were the straightedge girls, the anime ones, freegan ones and the gamers...

I do believe I will be a freegan in college though. If you ask WHY NOT NOW?! well my mom doesn't let me go out of the house without an adult so that's out of the question.

They also had this poetry section at the end and there was a poem that exclusively liked so here it goes

Teenage Fairy: For M

i didn't feel like i was enough
so i changed my nose
and i changed my skin
my bones
my blood
my home
my love
my clothes
my belly
my friends
my mind
until the man i wanted came to me

but after a while he left anyway and i was alone with this new self
we slept in our bed with the roses
she and i
and we sat by the pond waiting for water lilies
and we wrote poems
to each other
and we photographed ourselves in the mirror
and i was still lonely,
rummaging in the bed
in my sleep
seeking someone who
had never been there at all

Then this big-eyed,
long-legged,
fourteen-year-old fairy
wrote to me
and she said she didn't think she was beautiful
and i told her not to let her pain confuse her
trick her into thinking untruths
and i told her that her pain was
not her fault
but that she could use
it to make beauty
instead of to hurt herself

and that night i slept peacefully in my own arms



This poem rings something in me. I guess I have never been happy with who I am. I don't think anybody really is at first, maybe grows into it...or at least doubts themselves at least once in their life if they're really that confident.

I do wish that I would have had self-esteem more instilled into me though, maybe my life would have been easier, or at least I would have loved myself a little bit more..a little bit more than nothing ..lol

funny, why do I laugh? because now that I heard my younger sister talk about how big her hips were I felt like I couldn't say anything because I knew it wouldn't affect the way she thought about them. I have to say we come from a family if big hips, I have big hips too, in fact no matter how much I weighed my ass was always huge.

Anyway, when I heard her say it I remember how I sounded and how stupid I was, I guess I still am. At least I know and can see where I'm at now though but what really hurts is other girls that are doing it to themselves...sometimes just for attention, sometimes for reals.

What really hurts though is that most of the time they do it for someone else, usually boys. Boys don't really care about their looks when it comes down to comparing it to how girls care, girls care to the point of actually doing something about it or bringing themselves down...but I'm talking about really down. Not all, and also not all boys are so confident, but I'm talking about the majority. The majority of girls, of every age, are always trying to change something because they just don't like themselves, and the majority of guys just accept it, even if they dislike something about themselves. I guess it's how society raises us though, boys never have to change their appearance with make-up (neither do girls but its just society that 'wears make-up', even though many are choosing not to now a days) or do their nails, or wear different colors.

I mean they don't have to pick out a dress for a dance. Or do their hair. Or pick out their shoes.

They go with the same old same old tux and shoes...

So sad that I'm still in that circle of girls though, talking about how bad it is but I can't even get out of it. Hypocrite..yes.

<3